Senseless Sunday Sarcasm : Until death do you fart

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If you’ve read my blog for the past 4 years, you already know this:

I’ve been married 5 times.

No, I’m not competing with Liz Taylor for the “number of marriages” awards category. Anyway, she’s dead now and it wouldn’t be fair.

What did I learn from these experiences?

  1.  Never go into a marriage thinking he’ll change just because he loves you so much.  Ain’t gonna happen.
  2. The world’s best sex is not a reason to marry.  You can’t have a meaningful relationship with a dildo.

Here are some vignettes of advice gleaned from a 5 minute marriage meme search and, of course, my comments on each:

  1.  This is like trying to have your cake and eat it, too:  Crummy.  

 

2.  The truth of this was painfully clear in all of my marriage except for #3.  For him, everything had its place, and it wasn’t where I wanted it:

3.  Men are usually so literal.  Doesn’t he know that statics show there are 2.5 children for every family?  Hmmm…I think we’ve isolated the problem.  

  • Her:  Can you take out the garbage? 
  • Him (watching TV on the couch):  Yes
  • Her (5 hours later and the garbage truck is one minute out.  She drops everything and scrambles to get it to the curb.  She has to stand in front of the TV to get his attention):  Why didn’t you take out the garbage?
  • Him:  You asked me if I could take it out.  You didn’t say when I needed to do it.

4.  I say this to #5 quite often

5.  Then there are the too-drunk-to-get-it-up who want and excuse for why impotence isn’t their fault.  You know who I’m talking about…ugly old men with pot bellies who think this is funny:

6.  Then there’s the mature woman who understands the way to a man’s heart is not just his stomach:

7.  Statistics show that the happiest people are married men and single women.  The ones who have depression are most often single men and married women.  But men say “statistics be D@#med and prefer to believe this C#@p:  

8.  My dad was in WWII.  Men stood in line to get shots before being deployed.  He laughed and said it was the strong “tough guys” who fainted at the sight of a needle.  We women know all about tough guys:  

9.  People shouldn’t just throw away a relationship without trying to save it first, but when it gets to this point, I’d throw out the coffee and start packing:

10.  This is the 2nd best advice yet for deciding when it’s the right time:

11.  And for the grand finale, here’s the real secret to a successful marriage. If you’re not willing to give it your all — it’s not a marriage.  The “you” dies and becomes “we.”

12.  Why, you might ask, has #5 been so successful?  Sure, he gives 200% to the marriage, and it’s certainly great that he’s there for me through sickness and health, but …

Being a bit delusional has its merits.

Category : humor
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