Senseless Sunday #Sarcasm: Humans 101 as taught by Professor #Cat #CoonCat
Coon Cat: Good morning students. Thank you for turning in your purr-mission slips. I’m sorry to say that Tom was not allowed on this trip.
Student: But he had a purr-mission slip!
Coon Cat: All other catten slips were signed with a cat’s paw print. His was signed with…a dogs!
Class: (Collective Cat rawrrrrs)
Coon Cat: Last week, we studied how to get food and massages from humans using simple poses…like this one
when to purr and when it’s best to leave and find a better human slave. Standing in back of me this balmy December morning is a common variation called Humanus Floridianses.
Student: It’s perfect fur weather, 72 degrees furrenheit 22 degrees catsius. Why is it dressed like a dancing polar bear?
Coon Cat: This breed of human has evolved to live in hot, humid conditions. They come in different colors but all have a sleek body type.
Student: How does a cat your size stay on a lap that tiny?
Coon Cat: Ah, that leads me to the next part of my lecture. When you choose Humanus Floridianses as a slave, they will not use air conditioning. You make it clear from the beginning that you will not, under any circumstances, lay on their lap in the summertime.
Here, I have illustrated an effective pose to use in order to convey this preference:
Student: How many times do you have to show us that picture?
Coon Cat: As many times as it takes for you to understand its significance. You! In the back! Stop digging a hole! The bathroom is behind that tree!
Student: But how do you lay on its lap?
Coon Cat: Very, very carefully. Here is an example of my brother’s technique.
Student: What type of human should we seek out for the optimal life?
Coon Cat: As I have instructed on many occasions, all of them have to be taught how we like our fur strokes, food, where we like to sleep, and what we like to play with. A select few will have enough experience with us to know what a hiss and a paw swat indicate. Do not choose your human by size, shape or color. Find the one filled with love and mold that love to your specifications.
Student: The human is leaving.
Coon Cat (refusing to show his shock at this unexpected glitch): I meant for it to do that. Class dismissed!
Coon Cat: It’s opening my dinner.
Student: We want to know how you made it do that!
Coon Cat: You’ll learn the art of conditioning your human to your will if you elect to take my next class, Using Behavior Therapy on humans 202.